On Silent Expectations. A Personal Post.

Hi love,

I feel compelled to share something with you. It is a personal realization I had since giving birth to Zoe. I want to offer it to you because it plays a role in all of our relationships, whether you are conscious of it or not.

Over the last weeks since Zoe was born, our life has been in a transition phase where we are learning to be a family of 5. While it’s been immensely joyous for me to hold my sweet daughter in my arms and my heart is full of love for her, it has also been challenging at times.

Zoe was given an antibiotic when she was 8 days old because we suspected that her navel was infected, which can be very dangerous for infants since it is the place where her umbilical cord, her lifeline, attached when she was in utero.

After she was given the antibiotic, she became super fussy, spit up all the time, cried a ton, and refused to be anywhere but on me.

I felt so helpless because I wanted to help my baby feel happy and comfortable, but nothing I tried seemed to work. She was twisting and turning in pain, scrunching her little face. Whenever I nursed her, her pain seemed to increase and so this bonding experience that felt so intimate with the boys, now felt like it was hurting her.

I also felt exhausted, my shoulders, neck and head hurt from constantly wearing her in the carrier, and I grew increasingly frustrated because I had no time for the boys, who were home full-time, finishing zoom classes for preschool, and being their wild, fun selves.

Honestly, between the three kids the house was so loud. I felt like there was never a quiet moment or even a small break in the day even though we had a sitter help us out every day (what a luxury, I know!).

About two weeks into it all, I was up nursing Zoe in the middle of the night when I had this epiphany: I realized that I had this silent expectation of Zoe that she would be a really easy baby and toddler.

I remembered all the times that people would tell me how much easier girls are in the beginning than boys.

A friend told me how her daughter slept so well from the beginning while her son was up all night.

Strangers on the street would tell me that I would now get a break since I was pregnant with a girl after having two boys.

I recalled all the times when we were at restaurants chasing our boys around, trying to get them to sit for just a minute and then seeing a family with girls who would sit there and color for what seemed like hours.

I remember thinking so myself when I was still pregnant that we just had to get through this birth during COVID and get out of the hospital without the virus and then everything would be smooth sailing.

I realized that the mindset I held to raise Zoe was so confined and unfair. It wasn’t her fussiness and digestive pain that was making life so hard for me, it was primarily my silent expectation of her to be an easy baby.

Realizing this was HUGE for me.

Since then, I made the decision to dismantle my silent expectations.

My daughter deserves the freedom to be EXACTLY who she is without confinement of my expectations to be an “easy” person… it almost feels ridiculous to me now that I ever even had this expectation.

I want to see her with open eyes and curiosity and welcome her without a personal attachment to my own preconceived expectations.

As my mind opened, so did my heart.

And as I softened, the love for my daughter came rushing in with such intensity and fullness that I am lacking the words to describe the experience.

And I could feel that she felt it, too.

I cannot emphasize enough how much this helped me.

I gained a tremendous amount of patience through this realization that has translated to who I am as a parent to all three of my kids.

Now, we are starting to be on the other side of her digestive issues and Zoe is so much happier and doing really well. And so am I :) We are integrating in a way that would not have been possible without this experience.

I have been able to patiently (which is hard for me as patience is not my superpower;)) put a routine into place. I am grateful for some dear girlfriends who also have 3 kids who walked me through the steps to make sure that Zoe gets enough rest and sleep in her own bed (instead of in the carrier) and so we are all growing and settling into our life as 5.

The reason I am sharing this with you is because through this practice of really trying to identify my silent expectations, I also began to look at other silent expectations I have of the people in my life.

Again, I cannot tell you how revealing this practice has been for me.

I want to encourage you to take a look as well:

What are your silent expectations of your parents -your mom and your dad? Your partner? Or a potential partner? Your children? Your friendships?

And if you are doing anti-racist work (as I hope we all are doing!) look at what your silent expectations are of people of color? A Black man? A Black woman? People of Asian decent? Of Indian descent? What about Native Americans or Hispanics? What are your silent expectations when you pass someone on the street who looks very different from you?

Sending you love on the road to honestly looking at this part of your mind as I know it will open up your heart tremendously.

Love,

Caroline