4 steps to setting simple + elegant boundaries that fit YOUR life
Thanksgiving is around the corner (at least if you are in the U.S.) so what is more fitting than a little conversation on boundaries with all that family (& their MANY opinions;)) gathering around.
In my work as a coach, I often talk to my clients about boundaries. It seems like with every life change or personal evolution, we need to reconfigure our boundaries… often, this is easier said than done.
In my experience, many women know they need better boundaries while others are confused by the concept but tell me that they feel exhausted, often frustrated, stretched too thin, and like they never have time for themselves.
Many women tell me that they feel bad, guilty, or like one client put it recently “like an asshole” if they tell people “no” –often it doesn’t even matter if they say “no” to people they love or merely a random work colleague.
They unconsciously equate being kind and full of love with self-sacrifice.
Add to that that women have been socialized to please, serve, and give to others relentlessly for centuries and suddenly it makes sense why so many women feel like setting boundaries is a foreign concept… it is a foreign concept.
When women come to see me for coaching they often feel burnt out, taken advantage of, and confused about their own worth and how to be in relationships that truly value them.
As a result, the stress that comes from self-sacrifice and the lack of knowing how to create a framework that truly nourishes (and values) themselves has manifested into a slew of different problems, including but not limited to:
a lack of passion and purpose
unfulfilling relationships
work set-ups that are plateauing or leading to nowhere
too little income
hormonal imbalances
constant overwhelm
fear of not being enough… the list goes on, but you get my point.
In other words, having healthy boundaries is a key component to creating a successful life!
Setting boundaries, saying no, knowing what you need is essential in order to be truly kind (to others and yourself) and to be full of lasting love.
If you don’t have boundaries or your boundaries are very poor or ridden with guilt, you will eventually grow resentment. Trust me. I’ve been there.
So, how do you create and set SIMPLE, ELEGANT boundaries that the world understands and that allow you to live in a framework and in relationships that value you and allow you to work, live, and love from a nourished place?
Understand yourself and your needs. Answer the following questions to get started:
a. In what areas of your life do you feel that you struggle with setting & maintaining personal boundaries?b. What people, places, or situations drain your energy?
c. How much time do you spend in this kind of environment?
d. What people, places, or situations fuel you with energy?
e. How much time do you spend in this kind of environment?
f. What is your main fear in regard to telling people “no,” rejecting doing a favor, or refusing to take on more obligations?You must know yourself and how energy flows through you in order to know where to begin setting boundaries.
Understand –really believe on a cellular level– that boundaries aren’t (always) selfish.
This is a bit of a complicated point because I don’t believe that all boundaries are equal. Some people have such rigid boundaries and are so focused on their own good ALL the time that they end up isolated and do cause harm in their relationships (or they are –and often prefer to be– in relationships where not too much can ever be expected of them and so the exchange of love, energy, trust and loyalty is limited, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing for people who need and want that distance).
Personally, I believe that having healthy boundaries for people who desire deep relationships isn’t about putting themselves first all the time, it’s about knowing the difference between giving relentlessly and to the point of self-sacrifice AND giving from a point of joy –either joy on your end or the joy you receive from helping someone who needs you.
Healthy boundaries are set from a place where self-integrity and honoring of the other’s desires can co-exist and be in balance. Sometime you will do something for someone that is inconvenient for you, but seeing their joy or relief as a result of your help will outweigh what it took for you to give.Communicate a boundary from the place of an elegant, valuable, self-owned woman.
When you communicate a boundary, don’t come from an apologetic perspective where you begin with saying “I am so sorry” or “My apologies.” This indicates that you are at fault or weak for not being able to handle everyone else’s stuff. Instead, see if you can come from what I call “the perspective of the elegant, valuable, self-owned woman.”
When I imagine her, she would say something like “I thought about what you asked me to do, but to be honest, I cannot fit that into my calendar and do the quality job I want to do. Here is what I can do.” or “I feel that I need some down time with myself tonight, but how about next week?”Instead of apologizing for your boundaries, get into the habit of communicating them from a place of elegance and self-ownership that is geared towards providing the greatest, highest quality outcome for everyone.
If someone repeatedly hurts you verbally or through their actions.
In #3 I gave examples for boundaries with people who ask you do things, but what if there is someone in your life whose words or actions repeatedly cause pain for you. Almost everyone has someone in their life who –sometimes subtle and sometimes overt– says or does things that cause pain. Depending on the relationship, you might have to put a big boundary and end the relationship altogether, or you may choose to change the dynamics of the relationship. Regarding the latter, this may mean that you spend less time together, that you don’t share as much with that person, or, if you think they will be susceptible, you can muster up the courage to have an honest talk with them and give them a chance to repair the pain they caused.Whatever you choose, I want to strongly encourage you to not remain silent or action-less in relationship that feel emotionally unequal, kill your soul, repeatedly hurt you, or simply make you feel bad consistently. This is toxic and you deserve better.
I know setting boundaries isn’t easy.
In some of my relationships, I am still working on figuring our how to create better boundaries. Like so many things this is an on-going practice.
The more self-aware you become and the deeper you step into self-honorship with YOU, the more intuitive boundaries will become.
If you want to work more deeply on this topic of creating a life that has space for you and is an expression of who you are, I want to invite you to check out a new, unique opportunity I created for women who are tired of feeling tired, exhausted, stretch too thin and like they are constantly waiting for the next chapter so things in their life can feel easier, less stressful, and more joyful…. just to find themselves in that next chapter feeling the exact same.
Love,
Caroline
