An open letter to my childless friends

In my work as a coach, I work with women from all walks of life.

Some of them are in beautiful relationships, others aren’t. Some are divorced and others aren’t divorced on paper, but they have felt divorced emotionally for years.

Some believe in love and some remain skeptics.

Some have had glorious up-bringings in warm, nurturing households, while others grew up feeling neglected, criticized, and unseen by their families.

Some love their jobs and have careers that are fulfilling and/ or have generated a comfortable income while some have struggled with money their whole lives. Some are stay at home moms and some have dreaded going to work as long as they can remember.

Some have hormonal imbalances and struggle with their bodies and mood while others have been blessed to “run generally happy and healthy.”

AND, some of my clients have children and some don’t –either by choice or circumstance.

What I am trying to say –and what has given birth to this open letter today– is that I have learned an unbelievable amount from my clients over the years.

One of the most prominent lessons this year has led me to a personal reflection on when my life changed and I became a mother while some of my friends have either chosen not to have children, aren’t in the right relationship yet, are dealing with infertility, are waiting for adoption papers to go through, or are simply not in the right place in their lives.

It is particularly though, through my work with my clients who for their own various reasons do not have children (yet), that I have learned that watching their friends become parents, can be very painful.

I realize that I have been largely –though not entirely– blind to that pain. Or, perhaps –and I hate to admit this– too busy to acknowledge it.

The truth is that I AM in some ways the personification of what some of my clients struggle with: the friend who became a mom and suddenly her whole life changed, but she never actively acknowledged the changes in her friendships, but instead, took the fact that her friends wordlessly kept showing up, for granted.

Today, I want to pay my dues and begin to acknowledge it.

Before I begin, I want to tell you that when I first thought about writing a letter like this, I was tempted to formulate it as an apology letter, but instead, I have chosen to write it in the form of a gratitude letter… because that is what I feel more than anything: deep, profound gratitude for my friends.

My dearest friend,

our lives have taken different paths in the last years when my children arrived. These paths were suddenly –quite literally overnight– constituted of different priorities.

To tell you the truth, I was so wrapped up in mothering that I didn’t have the capacity to pay attention and feel myself into the life of someone who didn’t have that new and oftentimes challenging component –babies who depend on me 24/7– in it.

I want to thank you for staying by my side while I am often able to give less than I receive from you.

I want to thank you for adjusting to my new time-schedule and coming to see me more often than I come to see you.

I want to thank you for ignoring my messy house, my snot or milk-stained t-shirts, and the fact that I get up every five minutes to change someone, feed someone, take someone to the potty or attend to some need or request.

I want to thank you for not judging me when I am at my most overwhelmed even though you don’t personally understand why these tiny humans can turn a formerly well-put-together woman into an emotional melting case.

And even when you perhaps do feel judgement, thank you for coming back anyways.

Thank you for understanding if I have to cancel last minute because of a sick child, a sitter who canceled, or simple a stressful day when I had nothing left to give and need to take care of myself.

Thank you for understanding that when I am with my kids, I can oftentimes only half-listen to what you are saying. I do not love you less and I am not less interested in you. It is just my reality at this time.

But most of all, THANK YOU for sharing into my joy and listening to the funny moments of my life as a mom, even if EITHER you –for your own life– cannot imagine such mayhem OR because having kids is something you may also deeply want and seeing my life might cause you pain at times.

Thank you for your immense grace, patience, strength, and generosity. I am in awe of you.

Thank you, my dear friend, and please know that I am always here for you at the absolute best of my capacity. I value you and miss you and know that I always deeply wish that your path will unfold exactly as you want it.

I am holding your vision of whatever your ideal life looks like for and with you.

And lastly, I promise that I will always celebrate you and share into your happiness as well. I promise I will always try my best to be the best possible friend I can be and that I will do better to not take your efforts for granted.

With love!

Caroline

Esther Perel said in one of her podcast episodes recently that the quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships. This, I have found is so very true!

As we are approaching the end of the year, I want to invite you to reach out to those you love, those who are meaningful to you, those who you feel like you may have neglected a bit for whatever reason (motherhood or otherwise) and simply tell them that they are on your mind, that you miss them and love them.

How can you end the year valuing the people who matter to you?

How can you honor those who add value to your life?

Sending you love!
Caroline