Do you mold (too) easily?
Recently I have been thinking about why so many women feel unsatisfied in their careers or relationships after a while.
Oftentimes jobs and relationships started off great and then something happens and the charm fades and dissatisfaction or misalignment creeps in.
Why does this happen?
While there are many reasons why feelings about jobs and relationships change over time and I do believe that oftentimes relationships, friendships, jobs etc. are simply made to accompany you for a particular season of your life (not everything has to be forever in order to have been great), there is something else I have observed that I want to bring to your consideration today:
It is our ability to mold to certain people or jobs.
Oftentimes this can be very helpful. We can learn a lot from not being stuck in our own ways, pushing our own boundaries and trying something in an effort to meet expectations.
Particularly in relationships, the ability to mold to your partner is also at the foundation of being able to compromise and gives rise to a joint evolution forward.
But the question becomes: how much molding is too much? Where does “helpful molding” end and forgetting oneself begin?
In my work with hundreds of women over the years I see this all the time: a woman who is ambitious, in love, wanting to be successful and pushing herself to “fit the mold.” Oftentimes it is precisely this ability and this willingness to push beyond her own boundaries that made her successful, that expanded her evolution, that got her to where she thought she wanted to be.
But the line between pushing herself and self-sacrifice is very thin. Almost invisible.
And what often happens is that over time of molding herself and intuiting other’s expectations of her, she loses touch with who she actually is. She feels like she lost the ground under her feet and is treating water.
And all of sudden, she’s pissed. She feels angry, locked in, unfree, overwhelmed, anxious but unsure why.
Self-criticism is robbing her of joy…
Did I make all the right choices?
Why can others figure it out and be happy, thin, relaxed, and easy-going and I just cannot?
What’s wrong with me?
The answer –not always, but often– for women who feel this way is in either remembering (or discovering for the first time) WHO you really are when you are not molding, pleasing, and hustling.
In other words, the solution for these particular feelings is not in doing more, but in being more.
These feelings of anger and self-criticism are simply telling you to come back home to you and bring more loving attention and sensitivity to the care of who you are.
Let me be clear: this is not a call for you to quit your job, file for divorce and send your kids to boarding school, it is simply a gentle reminder that underneath all the things you have accomplished and done, there is a woman’s soul who wants to be nurtured, expressed, and recognized… not even by others necessarily, but first and foremost by YOU.
If this resonates, I want to offer you three simple questions to start this process:
What did you love doing as a child? What did you get lost in?
What current thoughts about yourself are making you feel bad, heavy and sad?
What would coming home to yourself look and feel like? What would you start doing? What would you stop doing? Pretend for a moment that nobody else’s opinions matter.
Let me be honest: these are HARD questions. I know!
You don’t have to answer them all perfectly right now, but let them hang on for a while and see what comes up naturally as you begin to open this door to meet yourself again.
I am not asking you to rush this process. In fact, it’s impossible to rush it, but start it still.
If this is something you’d like to begin working on… if remembering and discovering YOU and how you can fit into your life now is something you want to begin integrating, I’d love to help you.
I am currently accepting new private clients for September. Enter your information here for a free consultation to see if we are a fit.
In addition, I am thinking of starting a small, intimate group couching program this fall that will be all about getting to know yourself better and aligning your life with who you really are. If you think that you might be interested in something like this and want to receive more information, please email me at caroline@carolinezwickson.com with the subject “Please send me more info on your group program.”
Sending you lots of love!
Caroline
