The Secret To Making Friends As An Adult?

Over the years working intimately with women, I know how many of you struggle with friendships: maintaining them, finding them, feeling seen and truly celebrated in them.

I also know first hand what it’s like -how life is drastically different!- when you have good friendships versus when you feel lonely.

Generally speaking I feel lucky that I have always had really good friends and a relatively easy time meeting new people. (This is probably thanks to my dad's genetics or role-modeling or both... my dear father will literally meet people ANYWHERE :)) 

When I was pregnant with Felix and lived in Brooklyn, I met an amazing woman in my prenatal yoga class. Her and I became friends and together we built a community of roughly 10 women who all had babies at the same time and were excited to meet for playdates in our postpartum days. This was a life-saver for me I loved and still love these women who still support each other via WhatsApp since many of us have moved to different places across the whole globe.

When I moved to San Francisco about a year later, I was surprised by just how difficult it was for me to find meaningful friends. Where the hell were my kind of women?

For whatever reason, it was just harder for me to click with the women –and really with most people– there. As a result, I felt out of place and lonely often.

I felt more irritated and unbalanced and was really longing particularly for these women friendships who felt like a warm, unjudgmental nest and a place where I could just be completely myself no matter if I had a good or bad day.

I deeply missed having silly moments of giggly laughter, intimate moments of trust and carefree sharing, a night out with a glass of wine, and simple comfort in a good girlfriend’s presence.

As a result, I put more pressure on my husband to play all these different roles, which wasn’t fair or realistic. I saw first hand how much more pressure I put on my marriage if I didn’t have good girlfriends.

Once we moved to a different area in SF and Felix started preschool, things began to change in the friendship department and I formed a Mastermind with fellow female entrepreneurs who were also mothers and interested in spiritual growth and personal development to enhance our work. With it, my whole life began to feel lighter, more supported and happier.

Since we moved back to the East Coast earlier this year I have been able to reconnect with a good amount of friends here and also made a small number of new friends. I knew when we moved here (because I had just lived through it in SF) that this –beautiful and laughter-filled friendships and an inspiring community– is really a part of my life I can never neglect again!

Knowing the importance of having like-minded, female friendships in life in general, but particularly when you just had a baby, is what makes me so excited to introduce you to Renee Frojo from Taavi for today’s final spotlight for my Maternity Leave Spotlight Series.

Taavi is a platform that matches you with other nearby pregnant women in small, intimate chat groups. Renee will share some amazing tips on the secret to making friends as an adult (independent of your child status).

xo

Caroline

The Secret to Making Friends as An Adult?

by Renee Frojo

The struggle to make true, genuine friendships in adulthood isn’t lost on anyone over the age of 25. Between time, distance, work, social anxieties and cultural barriers—the struggle to find your people is real.

 And while there are plenty of resources that’ll point to where and how to meet potential new friends as an adult (which, don’t worry, I’ll also cover), getting past the pleasantries to find your peeps takes a lot more effort than simply saying “hi” at the dog park. 

That’s because the biggest challenge of forging new friendships as an adult  is actually opening yourself up to the possibility of making meaningful relationships. I’m talking about the kind of friends that you don’t have to explain yourself to. The ones you can open up your heart to, call whenever you need sage advice or simply have a good cry—those kinds of people. 

Unless you're one of those natural social butterflies or one of the rare birds who still regularly hangs out with all your high school friends, finding true, meaningful friendships is a rarity in adulthood. It’s something truly special that should be recognized as such.

Making friends in adulthood is more important than ever.

Across the US, social scientists are pointing to a loneliness epidemic. 

Recent studies claim that people have fewer close relationships now than they did in previous generations. Part of the reason could be that we’re relying on social media for more of our interactions or expecting more out of partners or spouses for the kinds of things we used to rely on outside friendships, like intimacy and connection.

Why is this a problem? Because it’s proven that the nature of our close relationships is what ultimately makes us happy, fulfilled human beings. 

One of the longest-running studies on happiness from Harvard found that personal connection between close relationships with friends, family and social circles was the top factor for being happy, as mental and emotional stimulation from intimate relationships are the ultimate mood boosters. 

So, how do you even begin to find and make new friends as an adult? There are many, many ways.

There are lots of ways to find new friends as an adult.

The first step to making meaningful friendships as an adult is knowing where to look for them. If you’re open and curious, there are lots of unconventional places to make new connections. To start:

Reach out to your neighbors. There’s no reason why neighborhood friends have to be a thing from a bygone era or merely a memory from your childhood. Some of my newest, most reliable best friends (and current boyfriend) are my neighbors. Because there are so many reasons for why you might need to rely on your neighbors, there are a million ways to break the ice. I, for one, introduced myself to the nextdoor neighbors with cookies I baked shortly after moving in. I met another one by offering to walk her dog when she was at work a couple times per week. After enough of these interactions, we started asking each other over for dinners or a drink on the porch. Now the friends next door are some of the first people I call when I need to unwind and have a good chat. (They also have a spare key to my house, which has saved me on numerous occasions).

Join a team, club, league or troupe. After I separated from my ex-husband, I found that I had very few single friends who were not our mutual friends. During this tumultuous and transformative time in my life, I needed to find other people in my life who were in a similar life stage—girlfriends I could talk to about heartache and dating, or go out on the town with. So, I joined a dance troupe that met every week for two months and culminated in a performance. Because of the natural comradery that forms in any kind of team, club or performance troupe, it’s easy to meet new people. Two of my closest girlfriends in the city are 

Hit up a meetup group. In case you forgot in your mature ways, playdates aren’t just for toddlers. Meetups are a brilliant way to meet people based on specific interests. Think about it: If you’re really into sewing, wouldn’t you want to meet other people who geek out on it as much as you? The other upside is that people’s intentions are crystal clear. That’s because people who are going to meetup groups are very much putting themselves out there and looking for new friendships, just like you. So, there should be no mismanaged expectations.

Volunteer. I know, I know, you’re busy. We’re all busy and already have a bajillion things to do, but this is one of those things that feels good and can help you find those meaningful friendships you’re looking for. Because people who want to help other people are usually good people, right?! And like the meetup groups, it’s also a way to narrow down a group of people who are interested or care about the same things you do. I still keep in touch with a great friend I met while volunteering at the Food Bank in San Francisco after first moving here.

Turn to social media. These platforms were built to keep us connected, so why not actually use them for their intended purposes? When I first moved to San Francisco and had no friends I posted a request on social media asking aquaintances to connect me with anyone in their network. And guess what? It worked! Friends from across the country were psyched to connect me with their old friends/work colleagues/acquaintances. After exchanging a few messages we met up for coffee, a park date, a walk around the neighborhood. Before I knew it, I made a couple of meaningful IRL connections that I’m still tight with today.

Download an app. On a related note, are now a couple of excellent resources designed specifically for finding and making friendships. The dating app Bumble now has a platform exclusively for finding friends. For moms, there’s Taavi, which connects pregnant and new moms based on due date, location and values in small, intimate chat groups. There’s also Peanut for one-on-one connections. 

Use your kids (or fur babies!). Shared experiences are usually some of the best ways to make friends. It makes sense—you need people who can relate to your reality. Having kids or pets often helps bridge that barrier. The best, most loving group of friends and individuals I met was at the playground taking care of my then 1-year-old daughter. While you’re mostly limited to dog parks with the fur babies, human babies have a plethora of activities geared towards being social, which gives parents plenty of opportunities to be social as well (think: music classes, playgroups, dance—you name it).

Making meaningful friends, on the other hand, takes effort, a lot of vulnerability and patience to put in the time.

You can find and make new friends just about anywhere. But simply making the connection doesn’t guarantee that a true, genuine connection will happen between you and your new acquaintance. That’s because the biggest key to making meaningful friendships in adulthood—the ones you invite into your inner circle and never want to let go—is by being vulnerable, open and willing to put in the effort.

Just like dating, seeking new friendships can stir up all sorts of insecurities. There’s fear of rejection and seeming too desperate. There’s the instinct to want to make a good impression and an expectation to be liked by everyone. But if you really want to connect—and so many of do—the best way is to let your guard down. 

For me, skipping the small talk in favor of deeper, more intimate conversation was the most effective and fastest way to bypass pleasantries and figure out if this person was someone I wanted to invest more time and effort in.. By talking about my story, asking someone about theirs and putting my whole self out there from the onset allowed others to let their guards down, too.

After that, the most important thing is really listening intently and being inquisitive. Other people will open up more to you and feel safer telling you their deepest darkest secrets if you show genuine interest in who they are. As long as you stay true to yourself and your identity and create room for another person to do the same, you can't go wrong.

Then you need to focus on nurturing and growing the friendship, just as you would any other relationship. You need to figure out what your new friend’s love language is, if you will. Like, do they need physical touch? Give them a hug! Are they more of an acts of service kind of person? Then make yourself available to help them out with their move or bring them a meal when they’re having a bad day.

Lastly, check in with your new friends. Making a meaningful friendship doesn’t mean you need to see or talk to them every day or even every week. But nurturing that relationship is important for it to grow, evolve and last the test of our times. Even if that it’s simply a text to say you’re thinking of them, or sending an article that reminds you of them. Building, growing and eventually maintaining that bond can take as little effort as that. 

I’ve made a couple of wonderful, close friends by simply answering the question, “How are you,” with an honest, “I’ve been better, and here’s why…” And when there’s a connection, I ask for their number (and then I actually follow up). 

Yes, finding you people as an adult is harder and takes a lot more effort than when we were kids or students. But putting in the effort pays off when you think of the potential upside. Relationships are the most powerful and important things we need in life. Great friendships can be as if not more rewarding (and you can have more of them!) and one true great romantic love. And they’re out there waiting for you.

xo,

Renee

About Renee:

Renee Frojo is CMO and Co-Founder of Taavi, a chat app that connects pregnant women and new moms in small, intimate chat groups of 5-10 people based on due date, location and family values. We're on a mission to help women find real friendships and make meaningful connections.

website: https://jointaavi.com/